Episode # 1.1: The Drill Bird

Colin: Hello and welcome to Unusual Specimens, a nature program that highlights some of nature’s less popular creations. Nature’s JV team, so to speak. I am your host Colin Panetta, and I am joined by my esteemed colleague and co-host Alex Bishop.

Alex: I’m very glad to be here, Colin.

Colin: Now docile viewers, science textbooks may have fooled you into thinking that we have every form of life on this planet documented, but don’t listen to them. They’re just trying to sound smart. There are entire islands and regions that humans have never even set foot on, let alone catalogued the myriad of its fauna. Today we are showing you our discoveries from the far away desert terrain of South Kis M’Bhutte. Let’s see what magical creatures it holds, shall we?

Colin: This is the Drill Bird of South Kis M’Bhutte. Although his boney, frail wings look useless, he is more than capable of flight, as we’ll see later. His plumage is ruffled and sickly looking, as a result of generations of the species making their home in the harsh desert landscape of South Kis M’Bhutte. The above photograph is of a Drill Bird emitting his “Death Cry”. The “Death Cry” is used by Drill Birds when they spot intended prey, and also when they score under a “B” on their report cards. Notice the small spikes visible all over its body, the function of which will be discussed later.

Alex: Normal Drill Birds are about the size of a crow, but abnormal Drill Birds can be slightly larger or smaller. The deserts of Kis M’Bhutte generally only receive 1-2 inches or rainfall per year, but the southern region is well known for its rainy season, which can yield between 2-3 inches of rain. As such, Drill Birds are often very thirsty.

Colin: Here we see a Drill Bird in mid-“Death Spiral”. Now, what’s happened here is the Drill Bird has spotted its prey and is dive bombing to intercept its path. The “Death Spiral” is rarely successful as the Drill Bird continues it’s “Death Cry” throughout, the volume and grating-ness of which ruins any chance for a surprise attack. As implied by its name, the “Death Spiral” is more than just a straightforward dive-bomb. In real life it looks, in fact, as if Deon Sanders himself has hucked the tiny, frail bird into a perfect spiral. Now is a good time to notice the majesty of this winged creature as it hurdles toward its prey. In fact, trusted Unusual Specimens staff photographer Blinky had better move out of the path of this Drill Bird’s “Death Spiral” if he hopes to live to photograph any of Kis M’Bhutte’s other majestic creatures! Watch out, Blinky!

Alex: This is truly a frightening sight to behold! I applaud Blinky’s commitment to nature photography. He is willing to sacrifice even himself for the perfect photograph. You should take this time to observe the Drill Birds eyes in this photograph. They are literally popping out of their sockets. Such is the force of the spin that Drill Birds are capable of.

Alex: There is not much to say here. This is the impact of the Drill Bird on the sandy soil. As you will soon see, the Drill Bird utilizes the forward momentum of the “Death Spiral” to begin its burrow. It often uses this technique to catch prey or escape from predators. Notice the desolate landscape of South Kis M’Butte. Not a thing in sight!

Colin: I smell.

Colin: Here we’ve used a special sand-proof camera, the “Sand Peeper”, to give you an “in-sand-view” of an actual Drill Bird burrowing through the sand. Notice the steely determination in his eyes, the almost frightening resolve in the power of his legs kicking him forward, aided by the spikes poking out of his body, spinning him deeper and deeper through the sand. Just before he enters into the sand the Drill Bird starts weeping uncontrollably. His “tears” are actually a mucus that hardens and protects his eyes from the tiny sand particles, which would otherwise cut them to ribbons. This mucus was considered a delicacy by local natives, who would harvest it and spread it on toast on the occasion of their sixteenth birthday, after which they would die, as the mucus is highly toxic.

Alex: Yes, it’s true, the Drill Bird holds a high standing among the natives. I myself have tasted the eye mucus of the Drill Bird and have found it to be pleasantly strong, not unlike a ripe truffle.

Colin: Thanks to you at home for braving the harsh desert heat and lack of indoor plumbing to be here with us here today in South Kis M’Butte. I know I’ll be taking no less than three showers on the way home in our “Winnebago ‘O’ Science”™ to make myself suitable to bed with my wife, Ludmilla. Anyway, thanks for tuning in this week and joining us in our raid of nature’s proverbial treasure chest, faithful viewers. Remember, if you find any new forms of life, take a photo and send it in to us… we could show it on the air! And stay tuned to Hot Wax Mealworms for future installments of Unusual Specimens. Tell the people goodbye with your famous signing-off catchphrase, Alex!

Alex: Can I go home now?